Is it Just Me?

I feel antsy, as if waiting for something to happen that is overdue, but can't imagine what that could be..
I have been decidedly un-creative until very recently, when I got a custom order from an old acquaintance out of the blue..nice.
The so-called "holidays" always makes me a bit grumpy, and melancholy, although have to say that in some respects I love Christmas..just not the incessant, badly played seasonal music, or the terrible pressure to feel as if you were the perfect guest, host, or present-giver, always ecstatic with everything..I mean, come on, I'm sure there is a reason that the family dysfunction jokes are so prevalent at this time of year..
My earliest memories of childhood are oddly ambiguous..in the mid-to-late 50's, huge family get-togethers in a hot steamy house (in Southern California, it's never really Winter) and my poor harassed stepmother pushing her wavy bangs back from her forehead, while trying to get a massive feast together, with little or no help.
My father, and all the other men, hanging around in the living room, crowding the big sofa, watching the tube or yakking loudly, laughing often, and intimidating us kids into staying in our rooms until suppertime.
Daddy and I were the only ones who liked dark meat, so he got the legs and I got half of a thigh..between the dressing, gravy, and cranberry sauce (the berry-in kind, although we always had both) I would stuff myself senseless..always somehow squeezing in a slice of pumpkin pie, addicted as I was to it (still am..)
When you come from a divorced situation, you are sometimes "in luck" at Christmastime..both sides generally feel like they have to compensate in some way..and with 4 sets of grandparents in some cases, the presents can flow..but as the Rolling Stones once sang: "..you were over-spoiled with a thousand toys but still you cried all night.."
I did not know then why all of it was too much, but it was..lots of expectations put on the little people to be ecstatically happy and grateful, no matter what..it was good manners..
This Christmas, in my new place, I had no tree for the first time in years, and turned down an offer to attend Christmas dinner with my new, sweet, well-meaning landlord. Or to come up for a drink afterwards. This time of year is too fraught with memories to feel like a third thumb at
someone else's celebration..
If you decide in kindness to offer hospitality to someone you know will be alone next season and they turn you down, please understand that it isn't you...